#1: Dead Leaves

2006-01-26T17:05:00.000-08:00

Coming Soon….
(It probably never will change)

Do I really need to introduce this?

Well if I learned one thing while attempting this review is that you should never, ever tell someone you have an idea unless you have something to back it up. Don’t do it! They’ll come to get you! It’s not that I didn’t have enough stuff in my collection to review… Anyway I must finish this before something else happens.

My First official DVD that I have for today is an anime. Now as everyone
knows anime is short for a Japanese man in a small room with a crack-pipe
and a pencil. And from the looks of this anime it’s worse… much, much worse. The fact that the only place it existed was a random find in a bargain bin in K-Mart (By the way I recommend people do this at least once in their lives) should have clued me not to watch this.

Now I introduce to you Dead Leaves!

Warning…

No one under the age of 5652 earth years should watch this movie because of the following:
i. A boob
ii. A gun boob
iii. Inappropriate hot dog eating
iv. Extreme Violence just to get said hot dog (along with a few other
essentials)
v. Assumption of two people having sex in worm suits
vi. Mutant with testicle head
vii. Mutant with drill genitalia
viii. Mutant with lactating boobs (male)
ix. Mutant clones in general
x. Baby with guns
xi. Extreme violence
xii. Basically the movie itself

Drugs or Crazy?

This is the section where based purely on the movie itself do I determine if the creator need to seek mental help or Need to check into a Betty Ford
clinic. And my answer to this is…. Yes. Very, very yes.

Extra Stuff

Well basically said. I reveal to a lesser degree what to expect if you
manage to find a DVD of this… thing.

i. Director’s Commentary: I don’t need to explain this… It’s just a Japanese man talking through a movie. I never clicked the Button
ii. Club Asia: Japanese People standing around, getting hammered, and
watching an anime. I only saw five minutes of it.
iii. Film Premier Q & A: Please, Mommy, don’t make me watch…. I’ll be a good girl!
iv. True or Doubt: It’s Truth or Dare involving people who made Dead Leaves. Lots of Drinking. It was amusing… but again… I couldn’t watch the whole thing. It makes me afraid of Japanese people…
v. Film Festival: I’m assuming it’s a movie thing showing what’s hot in Japan. Did I mention the Japanese scare me? Since they are talking about raw meat and gravy… I’m going to not watch this anymore. Because I assume it sums up the entire point of this part of the extras.
vi. Recording sessions: Oh Boy! It’s Japanese people staring at a tiny TV in Awe! They are trying to communicate to it I think through these
microphones. They have to give it special instructions that are written on a piece of paper. One girl laughs at the TV manically. I can’t wait until I can talk to my TV!
vii. Dead Leaves Trailer: Do I really have to explain this?
viii. Manga Extras: With every Manga Made DVD in existence there is a
section that is about as long as the DVD movie/whatever itself showing us
what’s also hot in Manga! I refuse to watch this for more than 15 times.

Finally a Summary! (It’s a Spoiler…. But it could save your sanity)

Now onto the meat of this thing. I do have to admit. I’m the type of person that can watch a movie once and be good for awhile. This movie I had to watch three times to convince my brain that it indeed was not hemorrhaging. I still doubt it's completely convinced. That’s why I like this movie.

Anyway to start off, two main characters begin with waking up, naked, in the middle of nowhere and with no memory of whom they are. Their names are:

Pandy

Retro

They appropriately named themselves this based on their looks. And From what I get their names are not changed for dubbing purposes. So they are in the middle of nowhere naked. Retro enjoys his view while Pandy comments that the cold isn’t helping him. And thus they set out to get food and clothes. By completely reeking havoc on a city of NES looking people clones. Do you know how I feel about people clones?

To continue, both of our heroes find a getaway car to… get away.

Then the police come.

They fight.

And their block robot comes.

And they fight.

Since they can’t remember anything… logic would deduce that they cannot
drive either. So after a bloody battle, they crash and get caught.

Wee!

Since this is a future with NES clones… that must mean the penal system is
quick and to the point. So now they are blasted off to a Moon Prison called none other than Dead Leaves!

By the way… The Moon is now Mysteriously Chewed up.

Now that they are caught… a creepy Lady tells us story about caterpillars , trees and Stretching bodies while being visually subjected to visions of the past that is still a little too hazy to me.

And then we see Pandy and Retro. Retro is bored.

And then we get a quick idea of a normal day in worm prison such as the
eating…

The pooing…

The violence…

And the working….

All run by 666 And 777.

Now there is another Character introduced at this point…more so that the
other mutants. And since he is a significant part of the story I have to
warn you. He’s a Mutant with an odd package on him. So to get this out of
the way.

Here’s his head

Here’s his crotch

And now Every time I refer to him in the story I will use a random picture I found on the internet.

To continue… Retro finds out that everyone here is an ugly clone, but that
still does not deter him from being bored.

So after annoying the shit out of Pandy...

Ummm…yeah.

Sex is a Wonderful thing…It can accomplish thing like Breaking out of worm
suits and it can also give you the electronic code combination to unlock shackle and doors. Remember this.

Then Retro and Pandy are now worshiped by a bunch of scary people.

Naturally Retro is under the impression that he is a criminal genius in his former life and thus should be worshipped.Pandy… Is …well Pandy...

So off they go to escape Dead Leaves until NES cops block their way.

Violence ensues. Then Retro and Pandy make their escape on a Motorcycle.

With a giant mutant tail.

And finally they end up in a giant passageways and are about to head for the port (which no one has a clue on how they know that.)Everything is going fine until…. Dun dun dun! 666 send then giant triangle robots!Why does the movie remind me of sleeping through geometry class?

Thus a lawnmower scene of violence continues.And they need another escape route. So Mr. Drill Dick comes to the rescue! I know I previously said I would not show this mutant clone again. And If I get kicked off for showing this picture, then it was well worth it. This has got to be the best subtitle Translation ever!

Edited: it was worth a try... here's a kitty!

And thus they Drill their way through a tiny vent and find what they were
looking for.Then they blow their way back with lots of weapons….

Did I mention big as well?

So everyone is running away while blowing crap up. It sounds like a normal
road trip to me! Then finally... they reach a train station…. on the
moon…plot convenience.So now they have a more convenient means to escape and blow up the giant triangle Robots. With everything destroyed…. 666 and 777 become grouchy. Now they have to do thing themselves.

And on top everything else, there is a twist! Remember that little incident between Pandy and Retro that actually did take place 10 minutes ago? Pandy is now pregnant. Obviously so!

How is this so? Well a prisoner which was conveniently a doctor actually
tells us what happens. Again with the Morbid clips. Something about them
being spies, getting proof that the prison is actually a mutant producing
factory, Pandy reading stories to a little girl, an evil warden
experimenting daddy, and Pandy being stabbed in the eye with a shard of
mutant stuff.. Yummy! Again it’s still a little Fuzzy but there’s beer involved!

But 666 and 777 are mean and ruin the festive and in the middle of the
story.

And now all the mutants are finally gone except for two. (Pandy and Retro
are not included). With More Random acts of violence... Pandy and Retro are separated. =(

So now two big fights begin!

Retro & Dick Drill Dude vs. 777

Pandy vs. 666

The doctor was unfortunately unable to attend the fight for the reason that he was ripped in half in the middle of telling us more of the back-story. Apparently Pandy is now in the factory where the mutation gene began. The Warden made Experimentations with prisoners... and his Daughter…. I think…. Oh and they have been in Cryogenic Sleep for 8 years. Oh! And if you notice Retro doesn’t have a TV head… which is confusing.

I could go into details about the fights, but… that would be boring so…

Retro =Wins!

Pandy =Wins!

Dick dude! =loses! 777 has strong neck muscles.

666= Loses to exploding lipstick

777= loses to too many holes and a mountain of bullets.

There we go! So Retro finally finds Pandy after the fight and now both are
in the factory.

Remember the creepy Power Puff robot girl? She grew up… and the new warden
of the Prison... AND is convinced that Daddy died because of Pandy.

Pandy (who now remembers her past) hates bratty girls and walks away.

The Crazy Girl has new toys and likes to play.So she plays with Retro... until his head falls off.

Now if there is anything you can get from the Movie it is this...
NEVER
PISS OFF
A PREGNANT WOMAN

So now Pandy rushes into a fight with her trusty sword hand thingy.

Yadda Yadda

It is an excellent chick fight but details do get boring. Anyway then! Crazy Girl Finally gets it!

Not by Pandy Though…By Pandy’s baby.

And for anyone that thinks Retro, 666, and 777 are dead then here.

Afterward the entire point of the cartoon seems to turn into a giant acid
trip gone awry, but I will try to explain this as best as I can. The glass thingy in the factory break and mutant fetuses all turn into a giant caterpillar.

666 and 777 jump into its mouth.Baby reaches puberty.Retro now finds a cheap robot body with old body in a bag …. Just in case.

Anyway the giant caterpillar…. You know what… there is no way in hell it can be explain so to sum it up...666 and 777 jump into its mouth...Baby is old.

Caterpillar eats baby...Caterpillar dies.

Now with that crack induced scene over with… Retro and Pandy escape just
before the moon gets an even bigger chunk knocked out of it.And something happens with the ship.

The end!

Theory

Usually I would try to go into intricate detail about why a movie is the way
it is. So here it is: Men like violence... Men like chicks with guns… Men
like being under the influence of something while watching chicks with guns
and loads of violence.

I like it… but if I had to think too much about it… I would kill people.

Thank you for reading… and hopefully next Tuesday or Thursday I will have
something else up…

Now leave me alone!

Until next week...or until I find a place for archiving...

Coming Soon: Review for the odd

#1: Dead Leaves